In Which the Husband Makes a Fort

JG and I were at a rehearsal dinner for a wedding we’re attending this weekend, but that isn’t the point of this story. The real action starts after we’ve practiced standing and walking, when JG sees a Lowe’s on the way home and says, “We’ve been talking about getting a grill for so long – do you mind if we stop there?”

“…Sure.”

[I pause for a sidenote to say that, yes, we’ve been talking about getting a grill, and yes, it’s totally in the budget, so this isn’t some figment of JG’s imagination. I should also point out that home improvement stores make me slightly uncomfortable because I’m like a freshman exchange student on the first day of American high school in them: “Vare ees, how you say, zeh spackle?” It’s not pretty. Even better, I’m wearing heels and a semi-nice skirt, and we all know that these make up the traditional hardware store garb.]

First, we examined the grills outside. Lots of models are available, and the gas ones were 10% off, but only for the next three days! After a stint inside the store that involved me babysitting one of those giant dolly-cart things, we finally haul home The Grill. The BBQ Grillware 3-Burner LP Gas Grill. Booyah. Better yet: JG wants to assemble it…tonight.

As I type here, the grill is being assembled in my downstairs hallway, and it looks like a cast-iron spaceship/fort. No wonder guys enjoy grilling and all that it entails. You get to make your own fort of solid metal that will allow you to make lots of flame and impress the other menfolk! Meanwhile, the laundry room is filled with packing box debris, and the 40-minute time estimate for assembly has run out at a point when JG estimates that he is “over halfway” done.

…

After a total of 1 hour and 26 minutes, the fort has morphed into a grill, but not without these gems overheard from the assembly line:

• “If it gets to be midnight or something, stop me, okay? By the way, what time is it?”
• “I didn’t realize this had so many parts! I mean, you see a grill and you realize that you have to put it together… but do you realize it has 13,000 parts?”
• [sounds of clanging] “Sorry!”
• “What a crappy screwdriver. Why include one if it stinks?”
• “I hope the grill cover I got is big enough.” [It was]
• “All riiiiiiiiiiiight, we’ve got wheels! Watch this bad boy roll now!”
• “The directions were real good up until this point.”
• JG: I have no idea what these are for. RA: You have three of them! [He figured it out]