Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Writing It Out

Last night, I was a lovely combination of pathetic and resigned. When I reflected on the letters and spaces that made up my tired mindset, I realized that writing it out had two effects. On the one hand, writing un-frazzled me. I was able to distill all of my frayed nerves into coherent thoughts. It was soothing.

On the other, unexpected hand, once I’d written everything out, I could see my discontent for what it was, which was pretty silly. I can only wallow for so long and last night was the limit. I saw my complaints out in the open, condensed into letters and spaces, and I had an overwhelming sense akin to “What the heck is the big deal?”

I sat back and realized that I didn’t want to miss a major portion of my life because I was so busy wishing that I was somewhere else. I didn’t want to look back at this period and wonder why I felt so occupied and stressed but not recall what I was actually doing. I may not remember my commute some mornings, but I really want to remember my actual life. If nothing else, my post was a big smack across the head with a ringing “Pay attention!” attached to it.

I can’t promise to be an ever-shining beacon of optimism; in fact, it’s a safe bet that I will hardly ever be that. But I can make a greater effort to be more present and aware of what I’m going through, not just dazing off into a dream world where things are automatically easier, more attractive, or faster. It’s the difference between being an active participant in my own life – as corny as that sounds – and being an observer. Simply observing isn’t fair to my friends, JG, or myself. If I’m tired, I don’t want the fatigue that comes from being beaten into submission by the daily grind. I want the tiredness that comes from having a full day behind me. A full life.


Sijbrich said...

Well put, RA. "I sat back and realized that I didn’t want to miss a major portion of my life because I was so busy wishing that I was somewhere else." I have so often thought that, and regretted not enjoying the present becuase I was too obsessed with thinking about what I was going to do next or what little things I didn't like about the present (like being tired:-))It is important to enjoy the beauty of each day or else we're going to wake up when we're 80 years old and realize that we didn't really enjoy anything.
May you have a fantabulous day and really enjoy it.

L Sass said...

I have the "wishing i were somewhere else" problem, too. I think it affects most ambitious people!

AS and I made a recipe with buttermilk last night--so I have some left over. That means, pancakes this weekend! Any recipe recommendations?

alyndabear said...

Lately all I've been thinking about is that I want to be somewhere else -- but you're right, I don't want to miss out on right now either.

Thankyou for making me think!

zandria said...

Amen! I know exactly how you feel. It's hard sometimes to live in the moment, though, even if we may WANT to.